NOOBS!
You are the people who think that being a gamer is owning Words with Friends on your iPod touch… Or the ones who think the Wii is the best thing since sliced bread! For these people I have compiled this very simple list of three games which are built specifically for you.
3: Call of Duty (Any of them) – This is the game series that, despite being an 18 rated game, caters to those slightly racist and homophobic 8 year olds who think that being offensive and annoying makes you better at the game. It doesn’t. This game is built for noobs, just start out and run around like a lunatic shouting down your microphone so that people who are good at games know you’re coming. Or better yet, use one of those new-fangled things called “Explosives” just to annoy the living hell out of everyone. These things have a cool nickname, the noobtube. If you use this on this game at any point, YOU.ARE.A.NOOB.
2: Anything on the Nintendo DS with Dogs or Cats or any other animal on the front cover – Here’s an idea, for you people who love buying “Dogz”, “Catz”, “Horsez” or whatever other abomination the world has created for you noobs, BUY A REAL ANIMAL. These games are a poor “simulation” of real animals and thus, stupid. If the response to this is “Pokémon are in games and they are like so totally animals too!” then I say to you that you have a point, except we fight these Pokémon against each other and whoever wins is the best. I cannot fight your overly domesticated “Nintendogs/cats” against each other, I can just pet them and throw tennis balls at them which gets old. Quick.
You are the people who think that being a gamer is owning Words with Friends on your iPod touch… Or the ones who think the Wii is the best thing since sliced bread! For these people I have compiled this very simple list of three games which are built specifically for you.
3: Call of Duty (Any of them) – This is the game series that, despite being an 18 rated game, caters to those slightly racist and homophobic 8 year olds who think that being offensive and annoying makes you better at the game. It doesn’t. This game is built for noobs, just start out and run around like a lunatic shouting down your microphone so that people who are good at games know you’re coming. Or better yet, use one of those new-fangled things called “Explosives” just to annoy the living hell out of everyone. These things have a cool nickname, the noobtube. If you use this on this game at any point, YOU.ARE.A.NOOB.
2: Anything on the Nintendo DS with Dogs or Cats or any other animal on the front cover – Here’s an idea, for you people who love buying “Dogz”, “Catz”, “Horsez” or whatever other abomination the world has created for you noobs, BUY A REAL ANIMAL. These games are a poor “simulation” of real animals and thus, stupid. If the response to this is “Pokémon are in games and they are like so totally animals too!” then I say to you that you have a point, except we fight these Pokémon against each other and whoever wins is the best. I cannot fight your overly domesticated “Nintendogs/cats” against each other, I can just pet them and throw tennis balls at them which gets old. Quick.
1: Angry Birds – The premise of Angry Birds is simple, throw
your colourful and slightly suicidal birds at structures made from flimsy wood,
glass and stone to destroy pigs. You get more points the more stuff you
destroy, which add up to get stars! If this is too hard for you to understand
then don’t even try going towards the Angry Birds Space… It’s got a really
confusing thing called Physics. That was sarcasm, nothing about Angry Birds is
confusing. If you find it difficult… Go home, cry and wonder how you managed to muster the brainpower to stand up.
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